Hmm. I know that most of my stuff on here have been pretty intense and such so here is something a bit more light-hearted.

So me and my best friend Elizabeth have these things called "twenty year names" since her mother had her picked out and knew what she would name her, if she were to ever have a daughter, twenty-years before Elizabeth was borne. So..I'm thinking that if I ever have a boy, I'll name him Jason Michael Ryne and if I ever have a girl, I'll name her Charlie Ellery. Of which I know both of those names can be a boy's or a girl's, but that is the name that I have picked out!

Hmm. I actually wrote this way back in October for school, as I had to write a found poem. It's one of the few poems that i've written recently that I actually like so I was thinking that I'd post it.

I saw you swaying to the rhythm of your music

In the dry summer field at nightfall.

I saw your eyes

And how they shone like sunlight.

After a moment, you lifted your hands to the sky

I saw you as you shed crystal tears

Silent raging rapids down your cheeks.

Back in those days

Everybody, everybody wanted something from you.

How can I stand here with you,

Hmm...Let's relate something that transpired last Monday, February the 4th to be exact.

Well. I obviously like Brett. And the Friday before the fated Monday I said something or another around my friend Ashton and he started asking questions about me and Brett and stuff like that when I was talking to my friend Elizabeth and I started getting the idea that maybe he knew that I like Brett.

So at my friend Elizabeth's insistence, the next Monday during our Power Monday time while me and my 'posse' were all hanging out in the cafeteria I asked Ashton something vague along the lines of "Do you know something that I'd rather not have you know?" or something; and after a few more clues he finally got to what I was going for. And said something like "OH! Now I know what you're talking about!" and yes. He did know. So then he asked if he could tell Brett that I liked him, and of course I said 'no'; but then I did the crazy/stupid thing and told Ashton that Brett would just have to figure it out on his own.

Then Ashton turned and looked at Brett and said "Okay, Brett. You have to figure this out" and told this long tangent of a story that I told him that he was also not supposed to tell anyone that made everyone at our table confused. so then he pointed at me drew a GIANT heart with his fingers and pointed at Brett.

I thought I was going to die.

God, I can't believe that Ashton told him. I can't believe that Brett knows. I can't believe that he just sat there and didn't say anything. I cant believe that we have never mentioned it again.

"Hey. You know that I like you...but...I'm guessing that you don't like me back?" See. That wasn;t so hard to type. Then how come I can't ask Brett myself? Cause, God I just can't do it.

It's not supposed to be this hard is it? I'm not supposed to hurt this much inside am I? This shouldn't bother me this much should it?

Why didn't he just say something. Say anything.

At least then I'd know where I stand.

But this silence, this unacknowledgement, this unknowing is killing me.

Gah. So yesterday afternoon when my sister got on the school bus she convinced Brett that when I got on they should both pretend that they can't see me. Why he went along with it, I have no idea, though....

So when I got on they were both looking out of their respective windows and pretending that I wasn't there...and at first I thought that they were just looking out at something and that they didnt want me to see what it was so I sat really really close to Brett, and then they started whispering (I guess they thought that i couldn't hear them...) and I heard him say "She's sitting on my legs"...which you know...I was...cause he was taking up like the entire seat...not that I"m complaining. XD

Then they decided to just ignore me the entire. freaking. bus ride. All 25 minutes.

I tried an all manner of things to try to get them to react to my presence.

I poked Brett, sat on his lap ('there's some heavy air on my lap"), talked to them ("Did you just randomly think about CD's or was it just me?"), ran my fingers through his hair (wow! There must be a ghost raising up some static, did you see my hair stick up just now?"), hugged them both, my sister with my left arm and Brett with my right..because that was the way that we were sitting on the bus (weird, did you feel some force pulling us togther just now?")

Eventually I just took Brett's backpack and put it next to my friend on her seat and asked her to watch if for me, and he went "Oh! Did you see that! my backpack just flew away" and after I came back "if whatever took my backpack away doesn't bring it back right now..."...I'll never know what would have happened because i went to get it; though I realise that maybe if I hadn't gotten it they would have given up their stupid little game...

Both of them are evil forces. Nothing that i tried got any response from them whatsoever. Except for sitting in his lap...he never pushed me off or anything but if I leaned over him too far then he would try to slide out from under me...eventually he just went back to the seat that my sister was sitting in though...sad.

I even told him that he 'wasn't cute anymore' and he just looked stone-faced...though he doesn't seem the superficial type, still. It's the principal of the matter, no?

And when he gets off of the bus he says to my sister "And tell you sister I say 'hi'." and my sister goes "I will if I see her."

EVIL!! EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL! And he's an evil little boy! A cute evil little boy!...even if he is 16....

So this weekend, so far I've been trying to decide if I'm angry at him, disappointed, or confused. So far I think that i"m mostly just confused though....ah well. Maybe I'll figure it out...

My British epal Laura just sent me this wallpaper that she'd made up, and she'd written in French. When I asked her for the translation this is what it meant:

The mystery of life
It's a bizarre feeling that nobody can escape and you wish it will never end. As soon as you meet it you dance in the road and act like a clown, not caring what anyone else thinks. All the finery and money in the world seems insignificant, and when you are seperated, a metre seems like 10 miles. It ispires you, it depresses you, it's simple but complicated at the same time. Your heart beats faster and everything becomes beautiful. Flowers smell sweeter and food tastes as succulent and an apricot in summer. It is not always chic or fashionable because sometimes those things are without importance. Like a madman person you want to laugh, cry, live dangerously and take risks, it renders you completely crazy. It is everything, it is all around you. The mystery, when solved, is love.

Is that not great or what?

I really like Brett. I mean really really like him.

It's just that I'm always so comfortable with him and he's just so adorable and how we both act on the bus (I don't think that I can quite describe that though..but was it just me or was he leaning REALLY close over to me today?)

But sometimes I wonder: is it really like the way that I think that it is between us, or is it just me hoping that it's really like that? I mean...do we both act/look at/alter our body positions to each other like I think that we do? or do i just wish that we did.

Ugh. I'm so confused.

Brett:

It's just the way that he flicks his hair and it lands in his eyes right after he gives a look that made it seem as though it were just bothering him being all in his face.

And it's the way that he smiles at me when he tells me that I'm crazy or weird or that he doesn't get me.

And it's the way that he stands when he talks to me on his front porch; never leaving the spot directly in front of the door, his hands never leaving the doornob.

And it's the way that he glances at me on the bus

And it's the way that he never really ends a conversation and he just seems to end it at totally random times whenever he feels like it.

And it's the way that I won't hear him approach me and when I turn around he'll be standing behind me.

And it's the way that he jiggles his leg or his foot when he's sitting down for a long period of time.

And it's the way that he always says "I don't know" whenever I ask if he wants to do something.

And it's the way he looks at me whenever I say something particularly unusual.

And it's the way that he uses his hands and vague gestures when he tells a story or is explaining something.

And it's the way that his clothes are of such different colours or patterns, but his outfits always look so perfectly coordinated.

And it's the way he says "I was thinking about riding on the bus" when he yawns.

And it's the way that he crosses his legs and leans against the wall when he talks to me, and his other friends, in the halls at school.

And it's the way that his eyes look a little insane when he laughs

And it's the way that he smiles when he looks at me sometimes

And it's the way that he says "Yatta!" and does that arm thing.

And it's the way that he'll keep time on a song that he's never heard before by tapping his foot.

And it's how he'll randomly do that finger-snapping thing.

And it's the way that I'm just so comfortable sitting next to him on the bus.

And it's the way that he talks; what he says and how he says it.

And it's the way that he can pull off wearing the colour yellow.

And it's the way that he sings a song.

And it's the way that he manages to get all, or at least most, of his homework done at school.

And it's the way that he says "see ya" when we get to his bus stop in the afternoons.

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I'll find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the light into my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything 

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this, yeah

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You still my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better, any better than this?

(And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you , oooh
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this) 

Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this?

So. I made a new friend.

His name is Brett and he's the cutest guy that I've ever met. I met him on the bus a couple of weeks ago because he just moved to town and he lives like 2 blocks from my house.

Yay for me!

My best friend, Elizabeth, is always telling me that we are exactly alike in alot of ways; like in our mannerisms and such.

I don't see it, but it's probably because I'm one of the parties involved.

I often think about things pertaining to him and I, and you know what I keep thinking. I must like this boy alot more than he likes me.

I seem to do that alot, don't I?

But I mean, I like him. Alot. But I've never really been very good around guys that I like have I? Though I've really tried to just be this guys friend. I mean when I first met him he'd just moved here like a month ago and he didn't really have that many friends, but now he's got a couple besides just me (and I'm sure that he has some that I haven't met yet) and I just...liked him. When I first met him I just knew that he was nice and stuff. I could just tell. ....that and he was really cute...but still. I was trying to be a good peer and help make him feel a little more welcome to our school and a little less lonely. Then, I never would have guessed that I would have become so attached to him.

And I need him. And I mean a hell of a lot more than he needs me( which probably isn't that much to tell you the truth). But I just...

It's like when you put a puzzle together and then something happens and it's totally destroyed, But then you try your hardest to put it back together only to find out that when you do there's one piece of the center of the puzzle missing. And then one day you find that and you have the complete picture and you realize just how incomplete the puzzle looked before you found that piece.

Yeah. It's kinda like that.

Somedays I talk to him and he talks to me and we're just so...close to each other. Like we'll move so that our knees are touching or something even though we've got plenty of room on the bus seat and neither of us make any move so that we're not touching anymore until we just get uncomfortable in that particular position.

And then other days it's like...he's not comfortable around me. Like some days he just totally gets me and understands me and we're just connected...then other days it's like he doesn't understand me at all, like I'm some weird person that he doesn't want to understand and I freak him out or something.

I don't mean to do that, though. I can't help it I guess.

Yep...on the bus the other day, when we got to school I was already standing up to get off, and Michael walked by me in the aisle, because somehow he got off before I did, and I noticed that he is really short! He's only like a two-three inches taller than I am!! wow...how did I not notice this before?

Ah well. That's all that I wanted to document for now!